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demos

by Adam Gilleard

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1.
2.
you said you'd be alright well you weren't you lied well i suppose it was you that had to go not i yeah it was so long ago you were riding along the road of the motorway but you weren't driving you were riding sat in the boot 40 hours straight and i cant imagine how huge the distance between you and him must have been probably longer than the distance from the uk to switzerland you in the boot and him in the front seat i wonder how many birds you saw and whether you felt bored as the lights of a thousand cars passed on by i wonder how tightly you gripped the wheel and if you thought any of it was real and how long it took the tear to reach the corner of your mouth and i remember the heat of our last hug and squeezing you tight i probably got tears on your shirt you said that you'd be alright and you know what zak? yeah, i am a fucking saddo cus someone that i loved died so, if you dont mind im gunna have a drink and probably a little cry
3.
only down one glass of courage and you're late for surgery they're doing it through keyholes likes judges whisper through of the skinny cats apathy we'll poke three holes in your belly the giggling doctors said and pump you full of gas while you lay dreamlessly in bed you wake up you cannot walk the piano too, it wont practice to eat your soup they gave you a fork but you can only laugh, twas an accident, not malice... slowly it crawls up and the tears make you choke only down one glass of courage only so much can you take a joke don't let the bed bugs bite keep yourself clean and have sweet dreams time to turn off your night light and feel the curs paw stroking your cheek it smells like stale cider as if its paws reacted with your skin a siren suddenly sounds from inside of the drawer that you hide your empty bottles in whilst mid-laugh and smoking inside a moth storms through your window well you squeak as you pathetically beat at the moth to leave and freak out at the size of its shadow slowly it crawls up and the tears make you choke only down one glass of courage only so much can you take a joke a rocking horse stands motionless outside a dimly lit florists the train station's glowing attracting all kinds of tourists like the chimes of the ice cream van to the children playin on the common like the lips of the lonesome man to the bottle of bourbon well your dreams they're no longer sweet but at least u can call them your own at the end of another sordid week at least lay the bed sheets of your home slowly it crawls up and the tears make you choke only down one glass of courage only so much can you take a joke there are questions of saliva even more of your bowels what the hell have you been putting yourself through? its really not necessary all these trails and despite the dirt under your nails and despite the urges to puke and despite the swinging door hinges wails you cant help but laugh at what u put yourself through and whether there's a song that exists inside the train tracks current well, your footsteps will forever engulf any hope that any peace could flourish slowly it crawls up and the tears make you choke only down one glass of courage only so much can you take a joke
4.
sad stuff 02:56
why are you upset? i'm thinking of sad things what are you thinking about? i said i'm thinking about sad things! pressing down on these keys sure is hard but my fingers are on strings and my lies are tearing me apart it's crying outside its crying inside it's more real than ever! (it's more real than...) in other words i dunno how to spell anything anymore why didn't you pot that ball i want you to win i wanted you to pot all the balls i wanted you to win but they say to play the percentages they say to be smart but i don't remember ever being told that lies are gunna tear you apart and settees will vanish and finger print paintings too your memory will fade and so will you it's crying outside its crying inside (its more real than..)
5.
with children's teeth and badger's blood and a pestle and motor filled up with mud deglaze with puddles and the tears of a ghost let the eyes start to bubble and the bone start to toast take the shadow of an axe and singe it with sweat let the smoke start to dance, crack in a harpe's egg wring out the fear of an owl and the sweat of a dove toss the mess into the air, let the flames burn it from above catch it all in a cauldron till its the colour of soot pull the horns off a goat and the devil's coachman's foot whisper the lords prayer backwards, stand back eyes wide shut let the boars breath bleed as u salt its cuts take the pot off the heat, let the gale cool it down carve a ladle out of birch, fish your bowl out of the ground sew a napkin out of moth wings, light a candle off the moon lick your lips like an adder and tuck into your stew
6.

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released February 3, 2021

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Adam Gilleard London, UK

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